Despite the persistent usage of intelligence quotient tests as a psychometric method, questions remain about their fairness and utility. Critics say IQ tests may be culturally biased, or test an overly-narrow set of functions in pursuit of the elusive concept of “measurable cognitive ability”. The critics are right, but most do not go far enough. In fact, the real problem with IQ tests is that they are biased against people with low IQs. Dim people rarely score well on IQ tests, and this imbalance must be corrected.
To that end, we have designed a brand new multiple-choice IQ test with the help of a panel of consultants selected for having below-average IQs. Please take the time to circle the best answer to each question, to better understand your true intelligence quotient.
Can we be sure of the sign - positive or negative - on the answer to the question “What is the square root of four?”
A. No. Technically the answer could be two or negative two, though convention prefers a positive number.
B. Two.
How do you spell “affect”?
A. A F F E C T. Are spelling questions really appropriate to a written test?
B. E F F E C T.
What is the sum of 3.0 and 2.5?
A. 5.5.
B. Decimals are hard.
If you ain’t got no boots, how many boots do you got?
A. Difficult to say. Intepreted in its usual colloquial use, you would have none, but logically, you would have to have at least one boot. This is why double negatives should be avoided.
B. None.
Explain why it is unnecessary to use correct grammar and punctuation, noting that clear communication is not important.
A. I don’t think I can do that. It’s just not correct - clear communication is very important. I’ll just have to sit this one out.
B. Clear communication isn’t important!? well this is one of those things I think should be left to the individual like you Know I mean I can always figure out what people mean even if “their” grammar isn’t to good so I think really it’s more important to get across what you are trying to say and say it and be clear not to get bogged down in “some” rule about grammar. Or punctuation I mean I think it is important to tell the truth, I have pretty bad grammar to tell you the truth, and I think honesty is important? So the answer to the question is yes.
Do you watch between two and four hours of television per day, or more than four?
A. Isn’t that more like a survey question than a test item? And haven’t you left out the possibility of a test-taker not watching TV at all?
B. I only watch public television, so I can be smart. I watch a balanced mix of reality TV, dance shows, sports, and headline news. My sister-in-law said the government controls TV, which makes everything public TV, right?
If you feel marginalized by a high-tech economy which puts a premium on cognitive ability, is it better to become a habitual amphetamine user or a teenage mother?
A. Well I hope those aren’t the only options! My recommendation would be to enroll in a reputable technical-vocational school and learn a marketable trade.
B. Dude. Tweakers are awesome! Gimme somma dat crystal.
Who is cooler, Jessica Simpson or Paris Hilton?
A. Surely that’s a matter of opinion. How could I possibly answer?
B. Paris!!! Skinny people ROCK.
Why should brainy kids get beat up?
A. What an awful thought! Is this test for real?
B. Cause they’re so weird.
Isn’t it fun to prove your manliness by lying flat on your back in the middle of a highway?
A. What? Did I read that right? I think this test is a sham.
B. Yes yes YESS!!!
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! MY COUNTRY RIGHT OR WRONG! BLING!
A. Oh that’s it. If you’re not even going to ask proper questions then I am not going to waste my time with this travesty any more.
B. WOOT WOOT WOOT! BABY! LIKE TOTALLY! DITTO!
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If your answers were all As, your percentage correct is zero, and your IQ is zero.
If your answers were all Bs, your percentage correct is 100, and your IQ is 100.
If your answers were some As and some Bs, your IQ is 50, and your percentage correct is unknown, because percents are hard.
I hope you have found this test to be helpful in determining your astrological sign, or your hat size, or whatever it was it was supposed to test.
